January 27, 2004
The Eleven Reasons Why Today Has Been Laughably Bad
(This one’s for you, Nai)
I have a stuffy nose, sore throat, clogged ears, and a cough. I can only hear out of my left ear when I am looking down.
A friend of mine received an extraordinarily generous financial gift from a relative, and I didn’t.
My pen exploded all over my hands.
I thought I had health insurance, but then found out I didn’t. Then I found out I actually did, but only after much hullabaloo at the doctor’s office.
My heart skips one beat in every ten. Also, my heart rate speeds up when I inhale and slows down when I exhale. Both conditions are benign, but highly irritating.
I have PMS.
I cried all over Sam when I got home from the doctor’s office, and then accidentally blew my nose in my hand.
When I looked for the tissues, I discovered that we had run out.
When I went to find a roll of toilet paper, I discovered that we had run out.
Upon strict instructions to take a long, hot shower, I walked down the hall and got a splinter in my foot the size of a baseball bat.
The hot water only lasted for five minutes.
The Only Way That Today Might Get Better
Sam will be back in five minutes with a BLT from Subway, Breyer’s mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Charlie’s Angels 2. And tissues. And toilet paper.